DylanHave you ever sat down with a peer, your boss, a teacher and received detailed feedback about something you’ve done? You wrote an article, did a presentation, spoke to a group or, in my case, coached. You gave it your all and although the feedback you got was constructive you took it in a negative way, despite trying otherwise.
Last week I had my first of six individual supervisions as part of coaching certification. Supervisions aren’t done live but by submitting a recording, with client consent, of a coaching session. As I selected the recording for my supervisor I was thinking “this will be awesome! It’s the best work I’ve done.” We got on the call, listened to my recording and although it may have been my best work, I could clearly hear that it was not awesome. It had solid pieces but it also had some pieces I needed to be better at. My supervisor was great and explained that the feedback is all about getting better yet I was still bummed for a few days over it. Sometimes how we take things is very far from how they were intended. Part of me thinks it’s the feedback giver’s job to know their audience but that may be the same part of me that took the feedback personally to start with. As a feedback provider the best you can do is be honest but compassionate; it is you as the receiver who is responsible for incorporating the feedback and using it constructively.
While feedback is hard to receive, it can also be incredibly hard to give in a way that is considerate as well as constructive. Over the course of my career the method in which feedback is given (both to me and by me) has evolved. Back at the start of my career it used to be delivered in a way that was very much about what you did wrong or how what was done wasn’t good enough, instead of being about ways that something was good and with a few changes could have been better. When giving feedback do you deliver it in a way that builds people up or does it have the effect, on some level, of tearing them down? What are the words and tone you use?
If you use “but” in the middle of a sentence you are immediately taking away the positive influence the first half of the sentence may have. Think about when you’ve received feedback and someone said something like “The work you did on that presentation yesterday was great but….” Now think about after that conversation and which part of the feedback you stewed over. Was it “you did great” or was it “you could have done X better”? I bet it was the latter which, no matter how well intentioned, completely undercuts the positive sentiment. Next time you are giving feedback try replacing “but” with “and” to see how it lands or think about if someone had used “and” in their conversations with you, how it would have helped.
Perhaps there is no 100% right way to give feedback but there are wrong ways to give and to receive it. What I learned from the exercise last week was that my feelings on it really had nothing to do with what was provided or the method, it was about my willingness in the moment to receive it. I’ve since reconciled the feedback in my mind and believe there were parts of the recording that were awesome AND there were also parts that needed improvement. It’s all about growth and the journey and when you are relatively new at something there are very few situations where there isn’t room for improvement.
What have been your feedback experiences? Are you on the receiving or giving end of …but…? Do you really go into it with the full intention of betterment?
Now to remember, REALLY remember, my 5 remaining supervisions are about making me the best coach I can be and absorb all of it in the way it is intended.
